Every action, reaction, misstep, or defiant gesture a child makes—these are all forms of communication. Often, we slip into “power over” parenting (also known as authoritarian), viewing “misbehavior” as something to punish or shame. What if instead we viewed it as an opportunity to understand what our child is trying to tell us? Our children’s actions often communicate their unmet needs, emotions, or confusion, even if they don’t have the words to express them. By approaching these behaviors with empathy, compassion, and curiosity, we open the door to understanding our children better and guiding them in ways that promote growth and connection.
Understanding Behavior as Communication: When a child acts out, it’s natural to focus on stopping the behavior. But if we step back and look closer, we might notice patterns or triggers. Whether it’s a tantrum, defiance, or withdrawal, every behavior reflects an attempt by the child to communicate feelings like fear, frustration, sadness, or even overstimulation. Often, children lack the words or maturity to convey these emotions directly. So, they communicate the only way they know how—through their behavior.
The Trap of Shaming, Blaming and Using Fear as a Parenting Tool: Shaming, blaming and fear may stop the behavior temporarily, but they do not address the cause. Here’s why they fall short:
- Creates Disconnection: When children are blamed or shamed, they feel isolated or misunderstood, which can damage the parent-child relationship.
- Increases Shame and Low Self-Worth: A child who is shamed may internalize feelings of inadequacy, feeling as if they are the problem, rather than understanding that the behavior was simply a signal.
- Misses the Opportunity for Understanding: Blame focuses on what went wrong, not why it happened. This limits our ability to understand the deeper reasons behind the behavior.
All of these “power over” parenting techniques create disconnection both between the caregiver and child, and also from the child’s inner self. The child will ultimately be conditioned that it isn’t safe to express oneself, and even worse, that he or she isn’t loveable.
When we shift away from judgment and instead respond with empathy, we foster a sense of safety where children feel free to express themselves openly and remembers that they are worthy of love.
The Power of Empathy, Compassion, and Curiosity: Using empathy, compassion, and curiosity as guiding principles, we can transform our approach to behavior:
- Empathy: By imagining what our child might be feeling, we can connect with their emotional world. Empathy allows us to see behavior from their perspective, validating their experience and allowing us to drop our judgment of the behavior.
- Compassion: Compassion softens our response, helping us approach our children’s struggles with gentleness and a desire to help them, rather than simply correcting or punishing. (Correction is important! Just remember to connect first.)
- Curiosity: Curiosity is a powerful tool that helps us ask questions about what might be going on beneath the surface. When we get curious, we’re more likely to uncover root causes like fatigue, hunger, feeling overwhelmed, or even needing attention.
Examples of curious questions: Imagine your child refuses to do their homework. Instead of saying, “Why are you always so lazy?” here are some more useful questions you can ask:
- “It seems like you’re really not in the mood to do homework right now. That can feel hard sometimes.” Or more simply, “What is getting in the way of you doing your homework right now?”
- “Is there something bothering you? Is there a particular part that feels extra challenging today?”
- “I’m here to help if you need it. We can figure this out together.”
Through this approach, you’re not excusing the behavior; you’re exploring its source and modeling a supportive response. The child feels safe in this scenario.
The Benefits of a Supportive Approach: When we respond with empathy and curiosity, we give children the chance to feel seen and understood, which helps them regulate their emotions and ultimately fosters a more cooperative spirit. This approach also models effective emotional processing, equipping them with the tools to express their own needs in constructive ways as they grow.
Remember, all behavior is communication. When we replace shaming and blaming with empathy, compassion, and curiosity, we’re not only addressing the behavior in the moment; we’re building trust, understanding, and resilience in our children. The next time a challenging behavior arises, pause, take a breath, and approach with curiosity. You may be surprised at the transformation this small shift can bring.
Recommended Reading:
Beyond Behaviors, By Mona Delahooke
