Frustrated? Struggling? Welcome to the land of opportunity!
I am no stranger to getting frustrated (very frustrated!) with the attitudes and emotions that my children throw out on a daily basis. What I found is that my husband and I both would get so frustrated that it made us not want to engage in the activities that led to the meltdowns and chaos, or we felt like victims of their foul moods. But then it occurred to me that as parents, it’s easy to view childrens’ behavior as something they are doing to us. We feel as though we are the victims of their mood swings and tantrums and bad attitudes. But is this really true?
STRUGGLES= OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH
We can react and get into victim-mode and blaming (meaning, our child is the reason for our anger, sadness, frustration, etc). OR, we can take an empowered stance and reframe struggles as opportunities for growth.(This works in all areas of life, BTW!).
If our child handles disappointment by getting angry or upset and lashing out, this indicates that the child is struggling with handling the feelings of disappointment. When we react out of our own frustration that usually leads to us judging and shaming the child. The child never gets a chance to learn how to handle disappointment if it isn’t allowed to be felt.
I’ll say that again, differently: The emotions that people learn to handle are the emotions they are allowed to feel.
So a child that can’t handle disappointment probably needs a lot more practice being disappointed. That isn’t to say go out and make your child miserable, of course. It means letting them just be disappointed when it shows up!
Are you engaging in the following avoidant or anxious parenting patterns:
Are you rushing in to fix things when your child is upset? Do you go out of your way to prevent disappointment in your child’s life? If so, there aren’t a lot of opportunities to practice feeling upset and let down. And what happens when the inevitable arises and your child doesn’t get what he wants? What if she loses that board game? Or doesn’t get picked for the team? Are you an empathetic ear and soft place to land, without fixing the feeling or making it go away?
I focused on disappointment but this applies to anything in your life. At present, I have a kindergartener who prefers that we serve her food and drink at her whim, instead of getting up and getting it herself. When we don’t do it she gets upset. This is very frustrating. And you know what, it’s our fault as parents for not setting better boundaries previously. So while it is frustrating, it is also where our opportunity for growth lies. As parents, we need to get better at setting the boundary that “no, we will not get that for you but you are welcome to get it yourself.” And our child gets to practice being independent or being hungry/thirsty. It will be unpleasant for a while as she adjusts, but without challenges there is no growth.
My invitation for you is to practice reframing the frustrating experiences in your life as Opportunities for Growth. If you need help with this, reach out to me by scheduling a free discovery call and we can talk about what is going on in your life right now!
